Hello hello.
I thought it would be fun to pop back on here and laugh at myself for loudly proclaiming the busy season was here, and then falling into black pit of busy and to do lists.
I am still alive. Thanks for asking.
I feel as though I am on the brink of a lesson. Teetering on the edge of a momentous realization. One that has only dawned on me today. And by dawn I mean the first pale edges of light over the mountains. No illuminating sunshine yet. Just the first inklings of an idea.
I can’t do everything.
It sounds silly, simple really, when I say it out loud. Of course I can’t do everything. Where on earth did I come up with that idea? I don’t know. I really don’t.
Somewhere along the way, I have come to believe in my heart of hearts that I must do everything. And I have to do it all perfectly. Make a healthy dinner every night? On it. Be always available for my family? You got it. Be an organized, well planned teacher? Absolutely. Always blog on time? On top of it.
I said yes to all of these things, and more. And it has now all caught up with me. Somehow, I can’t keep my house clean, stay on top of my tasks, and teach a well planned out lesson all at the same time. All the things I said yes to two months ago seem like not so great ideas today, now that I have to put those plans in action.
Today, I had to say ‘I can’t’ to a cool teaching idea. A nonessential one I don’t have time for. It wasn’t like I said we can’t do writing anymore, or math. Yet I still felt a bucket load of guilt. I felt I was letting my class down. I had to convince myself out of keeping it ‘just in case’, and stressing myself out needlessly.
Now I wonder, where else do I need to say, ‘I can’t’? Where else should I say, ‘not yet’? Not because they are bad things, silly things, or selfish things. Because I can’t do everything all at once.
This isn’t to say I should throw making dinner and maintaining my house out the window. I am an adult, I have responsibilities. Those responsibilities make my life better, healthier, and happier in the long run.
But it might have to look different now. I have to give myself the permission to know that is okay. Letting loose, letting things breathe, in one area in my life will give me wiggle room in all the others.
I don’t know where this is going to lead yet. I guess I will see when we get there.
Shaina Merrick
The Beauty of a Story 